trampledconfessions_;
Wednesday, June 21, 2006
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Scratch the first story.
Let's start a new one.-----
"Im leaving for America tomorrow. JunJin." I read the text message on my phone.
I threw the phone aside, who cares if you're leaving or not when you are interupting my sleep in the middle of the night. I don't even know a JunJin.
**
"Im gonna keep you." I patted my stomach gently and whispered.
"WHAT. You're kidding." Jungrin screamed into my ears.
"Careful dear, you're hurting my baby." i waved her away dramatically.
"Oh my god, you're only 3mths and you sound like a loving mother already! Whatever happened to my all-nonsense, evil...Khisung?" Jungrin whispered the last word as she caught me glaring at her.
"Im fine you pabo. You know how i grew up right. My heartless mother left me somewhere when my father ran away with another woman. She abandoned me because she thought she couldnt handle me alone. I dont want history to repeat itself. Im not gonna abandon my baby just because it doesnt have a father." I wiped a tear off my cheek.
Bleh. I wanted to sound strong and cool, guess my image's ruined. I looked at Jungrin, she looked like she wanted to cry too. And that's bad, caz when Jungrin cries, she cries for days.
"I was kidding. I just didnt dare to go for an abortion." i re-explained myself but she didnt seem to hear me.
"You're wrong Khisung. The baby has a father. Junjin."
Junjin. My mind traced back to the text message i recieved some time ago. At that time, i couldnt even remember who Junjin was. It was only the next day that Jungrin told me she gave him my cellphone number and reminded me that he was our college classmate. But honestly, i dont remember him.
The deepest impression i had of him had got to be the day i woke up naked in a stranger room next to a stranger.
My head hurt when i tried to recall what happened the previous night. All i remember was drinking loads of alcohol and dancing around like a mad cow. I stared intensely at the stranger next to me. He's got a cute face and a hot body, i practically had to peel my eyes off him.
Seeing he was still asleep, i quickly scrambled out of the bed and got into my clothes clumsily.
You see, it's better to leave before he awakes. Who knows what more he might want from me?
"Hey..." i heard him croak as i reached out my hand to open the room door.
Opps, too late.
"I..." I heard him ruffling his hair in confusion.
"Its ok. You dont need to feel anything. Bye. Wont see you again." I turned around to face him.
"Khisung?!" He asked in realization and i quickly ran out of the room.
Shit, seems like he does know me.
"Khisung?" Junrin grabbed me by my shoulders and shoke me hard, breaking my train of thoughts.
"Huh? Im alright. My baby's as strong as me. Who needs a father when we have a great aunt like you?" I smiled at her assuringly.
**
Who am i kidding? 2mths ago i told Jungrin i could take good care of myself and my baby. I obviously didnt use my brain. Oh Khisung. Dont you remember that you have financial difficulties? I never should have quit my job when I thought the new boss was too hideous to look at. With my potruding (thankfully small) belly, the best job i could find was a counter girl in a camera shop.
I love this job, its really cool but the pay's just too little. Sure it should be enough for me and my baby now, but with my see-all-buy-all personality, we'll have to eat tree barks soon baby.
"JUNGRIN. My baby is hungry!!" I shouted to our aunt in the kitchen. Jungrin's like my nanny. She cooks, feeds and clears my house for me. She complains that im too untidy, but who cares when you've got Jungrin to clear it all for you!
"Hey Khisung, you cant expect me to help u so often anymore. I feel like the father of this family now. And whoever said she dont need a father? Wont you just be independent? You made this decision, be responsible for it." Jungrin said sourly over dinner.
I could feel my eyes getting wet and I didnt say a word to Jungrin. She was right, I was getting too reliant on her.Im such a bad mother, such a bad friend. Jungrin wasnt obligated to do anything for me, I should be thankful to her for supporting me. Instead, I took her for granted.
Mi An Hae yo, Jungrin.
**
I managed to survive and give birth to a baby girl.
Eunhye. The name of my baby, given by her father.
I carefully moved myself to the front door and opened it, thinking it was Jungrin coming to check on me. What I didnt expect was to see a tall,handsome man standing at my doorsteps.
The same man i saw next to me on the bed that day. He bore the same confused expression. My face paled as my legs weaked. I felt a huge pain hitting my stomach.
"Hospital..."
The next thing I knew, I was struggling in the operation room. I felt so painful i wanted to give up and tell the doctors to just kill me. But everytime I seem to have that thought, he would hold my hand tightly and tell me that everything was alright.
I heard my baby's first cry when it came out of my body. The doctor wrapped it in towel and handed it to me carefully. Tears fell down rapidly as i stared at my baby girl.
"You're a mother." he said gently next to me while the doctor took my baby away.
I nodded my head vigorously and pulled onto his clothes, crying my heart out and thanked him for being there.
Junjin went back to America the second day after I was discharged. We had both agreed that we would fullfill our duties as parents for Eunhye without getting married. There's no point marrying, we didnt love each other. He still had to go back to America. We were still awkard together so I didnt say anything but nod my head as he came to say his farewell.
I was thankful to Jungrin. She had meet up Junjin when he made a trip back to Korea and told him everything. He came to find me straight after that.
Oh, did i mention Junjin was rich? He would send back a sum of money to us every month. So Eunhye and I led a very comfortable life and i still kept my counter girl job.
Anyway, Junjin made a point to come back once a month to spend some time with Eunhye. At first, I would stay at home and leave the both of them to enjoy themself. But as Eunhye got older, she started to insist that I follow along. I wasnt comfortable with it in the first place, but i guess I slowly got used to it. I dont know when, but I started to look forward to our 'family day' every month.
Once, Junjin came with his parents. I didnt know how to face them, didnt know what to say. I felt like a little kid who did something wrong and was exposed by adults. But they were nice people and kept their smiles on every second. I think that's got to do with their age and their love for their grand daughter. Anyone would smile when they see Eunhye.
She's just like her mom, adorable and lovable by all.
**
On Eunhye's 4th birthday, Junjin came back with a huge laggage. He was moving back for good. He said he couldnt stand missing out a huge part of Eunhye's life. He wanted to see her grow, wanted to protect her every minute and go through with her every happiness and unhappiness.
Is that what you call Daddy's blues? Because he sounded so serious that I laughed my ass off.
"Stay." I said firmly. Stupid man, once he got the documents ready to move back to Korea, he flew back without even finding a house first. I couldnt possibly let him stay in a hotel like he always did. Even if i could, Eunhye wouldnt let me. She's like the queen of our house, no wasnt a word in her small dictionary.
So Junjin moved in. Of cause, we slept in different rooms. Thank god Eunhye wasnt old enough to question us why. She just thought it was normal for her parents to sleep in different rooms. Living with a man in our house was weird for me. But like always, i got used to Junjin being there.
**
"The man at the camera shop gave Mommy a rose today. He's always staring at Mommy like she's a vanilla icecream cone." Eunhye said to Junjin during dinner and he glared at me.
After two years of living together, Eunhye grew happier. Spolit brat i would say.
She started saying things like "Why dont we all sleep together?". Yeah, we did as she was told, only to wake up finding that she was back in her own room snoring. Evantually, we started to ignore her 'suggestions' so she started saying things to try make Junjin jealous. "Mommy's really popular, I saw some ugly uncles asking her for our house number."
Serious, do they teach her to say such stuff in school? No, so that leaves Jungrin as a suspect.
"You know Jungrin, just get married quickly and leave my Eunhye alone." I would always tell her, but she would just cling onto me like a cat and tell me she wants to be a nun.
"Khisung, lets talk." Junjin said after dinner and motioned me to the balcony. Uh-oh. Stupid Jungrin!!
"Sorry Jin. I wont bring Eunhye to the shop anymore and I'll tell Jungrin to stop teaching Eunhye to talk like that."
Oh man, Junjin really look fierce. Its as if he's really jealous. Haha.
"So its true?" he asked.
"Huh?"
"Stop giving those ugly uncles your number and stop taking those roses.You've got a daughter you know."
"What? Are you trying to tell me that its improper for me to do that?! I thought we agreed that Eunhye's not gonna affect our dating lives? You mean, I cant date caz I have a daughter?"
"No, you cant date because you have a husband."
"What husband? We're not married remember? Im single. You're single. Im free to date, you're free to date. Understood!?" I shouted and turned to walk away.
"Then lets get married."
"Park Junjin. Are you nuts. Just because I've lived with you for two years, doesnt mean I wont live with someone else. Doesnt mean I wont love someone else."
He didnt say anything so i continued attacking him.
"Dont say you want to get married because you want to give Eunhye a real family. Its really irresponsible. We dont love each other. I dont see how you can marry someone you dont love."
"But we both love this family dont we? Isnt that enough? I know we probably dont love each other that much to get married. But I promise to take care of you, to protect you and to love you like you're my only love. You and Eunhye."
I ignored him, whatever he said, it felt like an empty promise. How could he love me? Its as if he mixed up love and responsibility.
"I didnt tell you something. When i came back to live for good. I said it was cause I missed Eunhye too much. Truth was, I missed you too. The time we spent together every month is short, but I really enjoyed it. It hurt when I was alone in America and remembered you. I didnt want to be away from Eunhye and you. When I started to live with you two, I felt as if the happiest thing happened to me. I figured that if Im missing and loving this family so much, I dont want it all to end.I just dont want to lose you both. So yes, I think Im in love with you."
My heart ache when he said all those. Its as my heart's ripped out and read out. Wasnt he feeling what I felt when I started to countdown the days he was coming back from America?
Im the foolish one who mixed up love and responsibility.
I felt his body move closer towards me. He held me in his arms carefully as I teared.
"Please Khisung, will you marry me?"
I nodded my head and he held me tighter in his arms.
**
"You're living with Junjin. You dare tell me you dont feel anything for him?" Jungrin poked my chest irritably.
"Yes madam. He's just living with me. Nothing else."
"Impossible."
"Possible. I'll never love Junjin."
"Impossible."
Well Jungrin, for once you're right. Its impossible for me not to love Junjin, because afterall, we are a family.
The end.
**Oh man. Why did I take months to decide to type this? Should have typed this long time ago. And my stories are getting so draggy. Sorry.
heartBEAT_;<33'.