Thursday, November 02, 2006
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took 3 hrs to freaking type this. sucks. i'll just post thii anyway caz i love it.
pls download this song while reading.
http://www.sendspace.com/file/wn5uz5--
--I'm not the type to share. But if you're interested, you will find below my love story.
A story without much tears. --
Jae Won and I started as friends. I don't remember how we got to know each other, how we became close. Sooner than I expected, I began to like him, more than a friend should. But Jae Won never revealed how he felt towards me. I dropped him hints, but he did not take any initiative. So I waited, knowing one day, he would reciprocate my feelings.
Funny, how dramatic life could be.
Appa signed me up for the design course in England and I was accepted.
Could I say no? It was an express ticket to fulfilling my dream. A lonely one too.
I didn't know how to tell my friends about it. In fact, it was only two days before my actual departure when I finally broke the news to them. I took a glance at Jae Won, he didn't say anything, didn't do anything but just stare far away. He was probably wondering how far away England could be.
Bye Bye Korea…to far far England.
That was the only thing I thought as I dragged my luggage into the pickup truck my cousin, Junsu borrowed.
“Sit behind, and enjoy Korea’s sunshine. You'll miss that while in England.” He pretended to wipe a fake tear off his face.
Junsu took a slow drive through the streets for me. I'll miss more than just the sunshine. The ahjumma deul selling kimchi, soba, bbq meat. Appa, Junsu, my friends, this pick up truck…and Jae Won.
Was it think of the devil? Cause I saw Jae Won running from afar to catch up the truck. I don't know why, I didn't feel like asking Junsu to stop the truck. I just stood up from the back of the truck and wondered what to do. He sprinted his way close and called out to me.
“YAH. Are you just leaving like this?” he shout in between breathes.
“Faster.” I instructed Junsu and ignored Jae Won.
“YAH. KWON MI-JOO. YAH.”
“Go away Jae Won. Don't make me cry in front of you.” I bit my bottom lip.
He stopped in his tracks and I turned my back towards him.
Goodbye Jae Won, goodbye.
“KWON MI-JOO. I LIKE YOU. A LOT MORE THAN U THINK. DON’T JUST LEAVE ME LIKE THAT.”
What a sudden turn in my life. Anyway, to cut the story short, we started our long distance relationship. After a year of sweet exchanges on the phone, things started to change. I don't know what happened; Jae Won and I just didn't seem to have much to say to each other as the past. Our phone conversations were often filled up by silent awkwardness. Soon, the long conversations were cut short. And then, we just don't call each other anymore. I was busy and tired with my studies, he too. Our relationship ceased just like this. No words were needed; we clearly knew it was over.
3 years later. I finally finished my course. While packing my luggage, I found a picture of Jae Won. Had he been forgotten the past few years? I wasn't sure, but looking at the photo brings back sweet memories and I picked up the phone to call him.
The phone rang for a couple of times before somebody picked up.
“Sorry, is Jae Won in?” I asked. The person on the other line burst into cries once I said that.
It was then; I realized the truth about Jae Won. The reason why he didn't tell me about his life during phone conversations was because his days were spent in check up rooms and hospital wards. Like in a typical drama series, a year after I left, he contracted some terminal disease.
And he just left me without saying goodbye. Without saying anything at all.
The minute my flight touched down Korea, I headed towards Jae Won's graveyard. I couldn't help but smile when I saw the picture on the grave. It was my favorite picture of him. That period of time, he had his two front teeth missing as he got into a fight with some stupid guys at the arcade who were teasing me. Jae Won, thinking he's the best looking dude in Korea, thought his new look was cool and decided to start a trend by taking pictures of himself.
I sat myself next to the grave and started to fill Jae Won in on my past 3 years. He missed out so much, I missed out so much. I talked like I never talked before, trying hard not to miss out any small but significant things.
As if talking isnt enough. I started to write out fragments of our memories on pieces of paper. The happy times we had together. The fun times when we got into trouble. The silly things he did to cheer me up. The efforts I made to see him smile or compliment me. Including this…
I folded each piece of paper into a origami aero planes. Throwing them into the air, I'm hoping the wind would whisper those words to him. My mixed emotions of regrets, hate, love and despair.
But honestly, the only words that need to get to him are:
I am missing you a lot right now.
--the part of you I'll never know. --
heartBEAT_;<33'.
Saturday, June 24, 2006
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Oh man. I kinda changed my dream into a fanfic. Its a little weird so yeah.**"Congrats! Your food still taste as sucky as the past years!" Minwoo raised the champagne glass and teased me.
"At least it doesnt taste weird like last time!" I retorted.
"Yeah, its tasteless this time." Dongwan high-fived Minwoo.
"If you're not gonna help cook then shut ur trap up. We'll just get take outs the next time."
**
As usual, the two idiots fell asleep on the couch playing video games.
I squat down infront of the couch and studied the two's ugly sleeping posture and childish features.
Seriously, how did a childish guy like Minwoo manage to take over his father's big coorperation without killing it? And how did Dongwan graduate from Medical School so easily?
"What would he be, if he was still here?" I asked the silent atmosphere and sighed.
I went into my room to get the extra big blanket and squeezed myself in between the two guys on the couch.
"Just like old times." I close my eyes to sleep. I had better enjoy myself this few more hours before we all go back to our busy lives.
**
Dongwan and I, we were known as the 3 babos since young, the 3rd member of the 3babos was Eric. The three of us grew up in the orphanage and would always sneak out in the night just to irritate the counsellors who could not find us when they woke up.
It was till my second year in highschool that we moved out of the orphanage into a rented apartment.Minwoo joined us then, and we
promoted to become the 4retards.
So we all fooled around the house everyday, took up odd jobs (except Minwoo who was rich enough to sleep home all day.) and of cause, serve detention together. The rest of my highschool days were this pleasurable.
The four of us managed to graduate from highschool which wasnt as joyous as I expected. Soon, we all moved out to take on our different paths in life. Dongwan was enrolled into college and moved in to their hostel. Minwoo went back to help his parents with the buisness and I moved into a smaller apartment while Eric still stayed in that apartment.
I dont know why, but we didnt contact each other much. Maybe we were all too busy? It was only three years later that we arranged to meet up for a reunion.
**
"Arh...how nice." I lied on the carpeted floor and close my eyes for a while.
Minwoo and I reached the reunion venue at the same time. It was one of those function rooms his family owned. I dont know what we can do in this empty room but its sure felt good to sleep in. I've been having sleepless nights for the past few days. I was so excited about the reunion that I just kept recalling about the past.
Minwoo lied down beside me and I used his outstretched arm as a pillow.
"Its cold..." I turn my body sideways and hinted to him to go increase the temperature.
"Come, Oppa will warm you up." Minwoo turned his body sideways and told me dramatically.
"Still a playboy aint you? Who's the latest girl?" I poked him.
"You dont know enough girls to know who." he snorted.
"3 years, and you became a woman." Minwoo said randomly.
"But you're still a boy as always." I smiled and snuggled closer to him.
Wrong move. Our faces were inches apart and we could feel each others' breath on our faces.
An urge overcomed me and I leaned in to press my lips on Minwoo's.
I think I lost my senses because I really wanted to savour his lips so badly.
But I quickly recovered from it and 'rolled' myself away from him. I layed on my chest to the ground and hid my face, embarassed for my actions.
"Sorry, guess I missed you alot the past 3 years." I joked.
"Of cause you did."
Haha. I think Minwoo's thick skin kinda returned things back to normal and dismissed the awkard atmosphere.
But honestly, Minwoo really caught my attention back then. I got along the best with him back then. Because he would always help me prank Dongwan. Dongwan and I are not on bad terms or anything, we just love to piss each other of. So yeah, Dongwan's retard number 1 in our group, followed by me and Minwoo then Eric. I dont know why Eric's retarded, he seems to be the most sensible one. The one who always took care of us, he thinks so much more for us than we for him. :)
Just then Minwoo's phone rang.
"Is it Dongwan? Or Eric?" I asked him but he just ignored me.
"Are they not coming? Caz its really late." I asked him again.
Minwoo's face turned a pale color as he close his flip phone.
"They're not coming..."
**
"Dongwan! What happened?!" I demanded.
"Eric, he was robbed and stabbed a couple of times in an alley." He clutched his jaws.
"No! Not Eric! He's so well built! How can a filthy robber just KILLED him like this!" I pushed him hard and he feel a few steps backwards.
"It wasnt one. It was a gang of them." tears rolled down his cheeks.
"Then why did you only inform us now? Its been two days already hadnt it!?" I pulled the front of his white jacket and cried.
"I called you all immediately when i found out...I didnt expect this too when I went to meet him at the bar he's working at." he explained.
"I hate you."
"Me too."
I knew it wasnt Dongwan's fault. But I really need someone to vent my anger on.
And all the years, Dongwan's been my punching bag while I was his. The only person who could stop us fighting was not here anymore, he wont be here anymore.
Dongwan patted my head and walked off, leaving me and Minwoo behind at the graveyard.
I sat down infront of the gravestone. Minwoo didnt say a word. Guess he was too shocked to say anything.
The sun was shining so brightly down and I detest it. I rather the sky rain and take away all the unhappiness.
For a couple of minutes, I hated myself. Hated Dongwan, hated Minwoo. Why didnt any of us contacted Eric? It only occured to me that we had all drift so further apart. What happened to his funeral? Was anybody even there? We were like his family, and we werent there for him.
Eric, he was always there for me, but I was never there for him. I didnt see him for the past 3 years. I want to see him now. But I dont have any more chance do I?
**
A week later, the 3 of us gathered at our old apartment. The apartment Eric had been staying all along. It was end of the month, there was no one to pay the landlady anymore so it was time to collect our stuff.
The key to the apartment still hadnt change. It made me think that Eric had hope that one of us would drop by sometime. But none of us did and that thought made my heart sink.
Everything was still the same. Our rooms and the things we left back then were still intact.
I didnt think there was anything in my room that I wanted to keep so I headed for Eric's room.
It felt so heavy for me to take steps into the room. Memories spent in this house were gushing into my mind. I saw many photo albums spread messily on the floor. Photos from the orphange to middleschool, to highschool. Its as if my whole life was showed in there.
Had Eric been looking through these all night? He really missed us didnt he? He thought of us every minute, every second. Yet, I've only thought of myself the past years. In fact, I've only thought of myself ever since I came into this world.
I flipped through the last photo album. It was one I hadnt seen before. It had the pictures of our graduation. Pictures of our rooms before we moved out. And also, drawings of us. When did he draw this? After we left? I really dont know. I dont think I ever bothered to know Eric and that made me feel even worse.
"Why didnt you call?" I asked the empty room selfishly. Selfish me, thinking that he should have contacted us when he missed us. And not the other way round. Its as if I almost forgot that he was the one who suggested the reunion.
I could feel Dongwan and Minwoo coming into the room and standing behind me.
"Why didnt we treasure him?" I passed them the precious photo album.
**
We took everything we could from the apartment back home. I wanted to bring everything of Eric's back home but I couldnt. I stared at my tiny apartment and recalled the first day I had arrived here.
Lonliness, is that what you call it?
I made up my mind and called the landlady.
The next day, I moved back into
our apartment. I felt Eric's pressence here, and I wasnt willing to share it with some unknown people.
I arranged Eric's room neatly and packed my things back where it used to be.
I preserved Dongwan and Minwoo's room too. Sure, the rent was much more expensive than my tiny apartment but I didnt care.
I felt that this was the least I could do to repay for my selfish acts.
"Im home." I shouted to the empty house.
Our lives slowly went back to normal and the pain of Eric not being here eased a little. One thing different, was that the 3 of us made it a point to have a reunion at least once a year back in this apartment. It isnt just my house, its our house again. And every year we would do the same thing, eat, play, drink and sleep.
The funny feelings I had for Minwoo was gone. I didnt kiss him because I like him, I just did it because I was missing him and them all. In fact, if I think really hard about it, the one I could have liked back them would probably had been...Eric.
The End
**HAHA. Definetly a weird fic. This is the end. so yeah.
heartBEAT_;<33'.
Wednesday, June 21, 2006
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Scratch the first story.
Let's start a new one.-----
"Im leaving for America tomorrow. JunJin." I read the text message on my phone.
I threw the phone aside, who cares if you're leaving or not when you are interupting my sleep in the middle of the night. I don't even know a JunJin.
**
"Im gonna keep you." I patted my stomach gently and whispered.
"WHAT. You're kidding." Jungrin screamed into my ears.
"Careful dear, you're hurting my baby." i waved her away dramatically.
"Oh my god, you're only 3mths and you sound like a loving mother already! Whatever happened to my all-nonsense, evil...Khisung?" Jungrin whispered the last word as she caught me glaring at her.
"Im fine you pabo. You know how i grew up right. My heartless mother left me somewhere when my father ran away with another woman. She abandoned me because she thought she couldnt handle me alone. I dont want history to repeat itself. Im not gonna abandon my baby just because it doesnt have a father." I wiped a tear off my cheek.
Bleh. I wanted to sound strong and cool, guess my image's ruined. I looked at Jungrin, she looked like she wanted to cry too. And that's bad, caz when Jungrin cries, she cries for days.
"I was kidding. I just didnt dare to go for an abortion." i re-explained myself but she didnt seem to hear me.
"You're wrong Khisung. The baby has a father. Junjin."
Junjin. My mind traced back to the text message i recieved some time ago. At that time, i couldnt even remember who Junjin was. It was only the next day that Jungrin told me she gave him my cellphone number and reminded me that he was our college classmate. But honestly, i dont remember him.
The deepest impression i had of him had got to be the day i woke up naked in a stranger room next to a stranger.
My head hurt when i tried to recall what happened the previous night. All i remember was drinking loads of alcohol and dancing around like a mad cow. I stared intensely at the stranger next to me. He's got a cute face and a hot body, i practically had to peel my eyes off him.
Seeing he was still asleep, i quickly scrambled out of the bed and got into my clothes clumsily.
You see, it's better to leave before he awakes. Who knows what more he might want from me?
"Hey..." i heard him croak as i reached out my hand to open the room door.
Opps, too late.
"I..." I heard him ruffling his hair in confusion.
"Its ok. You dont need to feel anything. Bye. Wont see you again." I turned around to face him.
"Khisung?!" He asked in realization and i quickly ran out of the room.
Shit, seems like he does know me.
"Khisung?" Junrin grabbed me by my shoulders and shoke me hard, breaking my train of thoughts.
"Huh? Im alright. My baby's as strong as me. Who needs a father when we have a great aunt like you?" I smiled at her assuringly.
**
Who am i kidding? 2mths ago i told Jungrin i could take good care of myself and my baby. I obviously didnt use my brain. Oh Khisung. Dont you remember that you have financial difficulties? I never should have quit my job when I thought the new boss was too hideous to look at. With my potruding (thankfully small) belly, the best job i could find was a counter girl in a camera shop.
I love this job, its really cool but the pay's just too little. Sure it should be enough for me and my baby now, but with my see-all-buy-all personality, we'll have to eat tree barks soon baby.
"JUNGRIN. My baby is hungry!!" I shouted to our aunt in the kitchen. Jungrin's like my nanny. She cooks, feeds and clears my house for me. She complains that im too untidy, but who cares when you've got Jungrin to clear it all for you!
"Hey Khisung, you cant expect me to help u so often anymore. I feel like the father of this family now. And whoever said she dont need a father? Wont you just be independent? You made this decision, be responsible for it." Jungrin said sourly over dinner.
I could feel my eyes getting wet and I didnt say a word to Jungrin. She was right, I was getting too reliant on her.Im such a bad mother, such a bad friend. Jungrin wasnt obligated to do anything for me, I should be thankful to her for supporting me. Instead, I took her for granted.
Mi An Hae yo, Jungrin.
**
I managed to survive and give birth to a baby girl.
Eunhye. The name of my baby, given by her father.
I carefully moved myself to the front door and opened it, thinking it was Jungrin coming to check on me. What I didnt expect was to see a tall,handsome man standing at my doorsteps.
The same man i saw next to me on the bed that day. He bore the same confused expression. My face paled as my legs weaked. I felt a huge pain hitting my stomach.
"Hospital..."
The next thing I knew, I was struggling in the operation room. I felt so painful i wanted to give up and tell the doctors to just kill me. But everytime I seem to have that thought, he would hold my hand tightly and tell me that everything was alright.
I heard my baby's first cry when it came out of my body. The doctor wrapped it in towel and handed it to me carefully. Tears fell down rapidly as i stared at my baby girl.
"You're a mother." he said gently next to me while the doctor took my baby away.
I nodded my head vigorously and pulled onto his clothes, crying my heart out and thanked him for being there.
Junjin went back to America the second day after I was discharged. We had both agreed that we would fullfill our duties as parents for Eunhye without getting married. There's no point marrying, we didnt love each other. He still had to go back to America. We were still awkard together so I didnt say anything but nod my head as he came to say his farewell.
I was thankful to Jungrin. She had meet up Junjin when he made a trip back to Korea and told him everything. He came to find me straight after that.
Oh, did i mention Junjin was rich? He would send back a sum of money to us every month. So Eunhye and I led a very comfortable life and i still kept my counter girl job.
Anyway, Junjin made a point to come back once a month to spend some time with Eunhye. At first, I would stay at home and leave the both of them to enjoy themself. But as Eunhye got older, she started to insist that I follow along. I wasnt comfortable with it in the first place, but i guess I slowly got used to it. I dont know when, but I started to look forward to our 'family day' every month.
Once, Junjin came with his parents. I didnt know how to face them, didnt know what to say. I felt like a little kid who did something wrong and was exposed by adults. But they were nice people and kept their smiles on every second. I think that's got to do with their age and their love for their grand daughter. Anyone would smile when they see Eunhye.
She's just like her mom, adorable and lovable by all.
**
On Eunhye's 4th birthday, Junjin came back with a huge laggage. He was moving back for good. He said he couldnt stand missing out a huge part of Eunhye's life. He wanted to see her grow, wanted to protect her every minute and go through with her every happiness and unhappiness.
Is that what you call Daddy's blues? Because he sounded so serious that I laughed my ass off.
"Stay." I said firmly. Stupid man, once he got the documents ready to move back to Korea, he flew back without even finding a house first. I couldnt possibly let him stay in a hotel like he always did. Even if i could, Eunhye wouldnt let me. She's like the queen of our house, no wasnt a word in her small dictionary.
So Junjin moved in. Of cause, we slept in different rooms. Thank god Eunhye wasnt old enough to question us why. She just thought it was normal for her parents to sleep in different rooms. Living with a man in our house was weird for me. But like always, i got used to Junjin being there.
**
"The man at the camera shop gave Mommy a rose today. He's always staring at Mommy like she's a vanilla icecream cone." Eunhye said to Junjin during dinner and he glared at me.
After two years of living together, Eunhye grew happier. Spolit brat i would say.
She started saying things like "Why dont we all sleep together?". Yeah, we did as she was told, only to wake up finding that she was back in her own room snoring. Evantually, we started to ignore her 'suggestions' so she started saying things to try make Junjin jealous. "Mommy's really popular, I saw some ugly uncles asking her for our house number."
Serious, do they teach her to say such stuff in school? No, so that leaves Jungrin as a suspect.
"You know Jungrin, just get married quickly and leave my Eunhye alone." I would always tell her, but she would just cling onto me like a cat and tell me she wants to be a nun.
"Khisung, lets talk." Junjin said after dinner and motioned me to the balcony. Uh-oh. Stupid Jungrin!!
"Sorry Jin. I wont bring Eunhye to the shop anymore and I'll tell Jungrin to stop teaching Eunhye to talk like that."
Oh man, Junjin really look fierce. Its as if he's really jealous. Haha.
"So its true?" he asked.
"Huh?"
"Stop giving those ugly uncles your number and stop taking those roses.You've got a daughter you know."
"What? Are you trying to tell me that its improper for me to do that?! I thought we agreed that Eunhye's not gonna affect our dating lives? You mean, I cant date caz I have a daughter?"
"No, you cant date because you have a husband."
"What husband? We're not married remember? Im single. You're single. Im free to date, you're free to date. Understood!?" I shouted and turned to walk away.
"Then lets get married."
"Park Junjin. Are you nuts. Just because I've lived with you for two years, doesnt mean I wont live with someone else. Doesnt mean I wont love someone else."
He didnt say anything so i continued attacking him.
"Dont say you want to get married because you want to give Eunhye a real family. Its really irresponsible. We dont love each other. I dont see how you can marry someone you dont love."
"But we both love this family dont we? Isnt that enough? I know we probably dont love each other that much to get married. But I promise to take care of you, to protect you and to love you like you're my only love. You and Eunhye."
I ignored him, whatever he said, it felt like an empty promise. How could he love me? Its as if he mixed up love and responsibility.
"I didnt tell you something. When i came back to live for good. I said it was cause I missed Eunhye too much. Truth was, I missed you too. The time we spent together every month is short, but I really enjoyed it. It hurt when I was alone in America and remembered you. I didnt want to be away from Eunhye and you. When I started to live with you two, I felt as if the happiest thing happened to me. I figured that if Im missing and loving this family so much, I dont want it all to end.I just dont want to lose you both. So yes, I think Im in love with you."
My heart ache when he said all those. Its as my heart's ripped out and read out. Wasnt he feeling what I felt when I started to countdown the days he was coming back from America?
Im the foolish one who mixed up love and responsibility.
I felt his body move closer towards me. He held me in his arms carefully as I teared.
"Please Khisung, will you marry me?"
I nodded my head and he held me tighter in his arms.
**
"You're living with Junjin. You dare tell me you dont feel anything for him?" Jungrin poked my chest irritably.
"Yes madam. He's just living with me. Nothing else."
"Impossible."
"Possible. I'll never love Junjin."
"Impossible."
Well Jungrin, for once you're right. Its impossible for me not to love Junjin, because afterall, we are a family.
The end.
**Oh man. Why did I take months to decide to type this? Should have typed this long time ago. And my stories are getting so draggy. Sorry.
heartBEAT_;<33'.
Saturday, June 17, 2006
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# 'Cause Im still here.
Forewords
//Jungsoo//
"After the trip. Ill wait for your answer. I promise."
Why do you have to leave this way? You told me you were coming back two days earlier. I had an answer for you all along. The day you left for Jeju island, i already had an answer. Everyday i waited patiently for you to come back to Seoul. I counted down the days,hours,minutes, even seconds to your return.
Is this punishment? Because i hid it all inside. If i had let you known my answer earlier, maybe you wouldnt have left this way.
You promised to wait, you promised. And you broke it.
**
//Khisung//
"Mianhaeyo Khisung, we belong to different worlds. "
Is it still not enough? After the pain of rejecting me, you still have to bring me more pain? Are you trying to show me that we cannot survive in the same world?
Why did i let you go? I should have pulled you back, stopped you from going back to Seoul. Why did you have to be so different? Everyone decided to leave the day after, but you were determined to return alone today. You wouldnt even let me take the same flight with you back to Seoul.
All of us are here in Jeju Island for holiday. Its supposed to be fun. We're supposed to be enjoying. Yet you seemed so out of sorts, as if your soul's left behind in Seoul.
Is she the reason?
Kim Dongwan. The only reason why Im still in Jeju Island is because of you. I cant't face life without you in Seoul.
**
//Minwoo//
"I'll kill you if you hurt Jungsoo."
"Dont worry. Ill kill myself before you do."
Bastard. Why did you have to kill yourself then hurt Jungsoo?
I've never seen my sister so miserable before?
Dont you ever think?! If you had waited for years already, what would two days do?
Why did you have to be such a fool to come back earlier?
And becuase of that, im hurt, not once, not twice. But thrice.
Hurt, because my bestfriend left me.
Hurt, because my sister's crying to herslef silently everynight.
Hurt, because the one i love is hiding herself somewhere.
Kim Dongwan. Ive befriended you for ten years. After ten years of friendship, you leave me like this.
heartBEAT_;<33'.